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Reclaiming What’s Been Taken

Admin | January 19, 2012 | 0 Comments More

I have a good friend who was sexually abused as a child in a basement. Not just any basement, but the basement of a religious organization where she now works as a mentor. For years, she was unable to even think about going down in that basement without a panic attack. She would get dizzy and struggle to breathe, just by thinking about walking down those stairs.

My friend’s passion is teaching, and an opportunity opened up with this organization to teach non-literate persons how to read and write. Her deepest longings had come true. There was only one catch. The classrooms are in THE basement. But she came to a point where she recognized that the basement needed to be conquered in order for her to move forward with her life’s work. And so, she prepared.

She spent several weeks intentionally rehearsing the truth: “It’s just a basement. It’s not my abuse or my abusers. It’s just a basement.” It took awhile for that truth to sink in, but sink-in it did, and she was ready. She enlisted the help of friends, gathered symbols and Scriptures that were meaningful to her, and descended down those stairs.

The first step. The second. The third. No panic! The landing . . . more stairs . . . the basement floor . . . no panic! Slowly, she walked throughout that basement. She entered the rooms where she had been so deeply scarred and with each door that opened, she said, “It’s just a basement . . . It’s just a bathroom . . . It’s just a utility closet . . . It’s just a classroom.”

She went to the most important room of all in that basement: the room where she would teach. For a long time she sat with that room, reading Scriptures, listening to music, lighting incense, and offering prayers. And not once did that basement conquer her. She conquered it! Because . . . well . . . it was just a basement.

Abuse recovery is about reclamation. The journey is long and difficult and will, at some point, include the deep longing to take back what was hijacked by your abusers. Whether it was your faith or the city park, your dorm room or Christmas, at some point, you get tired of taking the long way around and know that it’s time to reclaim spaces, customs, and faith as your own.

Like my friend, there is a time to do this. At first, she wanted nothing to do with the organization at all, but circumstances dissolved that resistance and she found herself right back where her abuse began, loving her work and the people she serves. Then she wanted absolutely nothing to do with that basement and NOTHING could make her go down there . . . except the absolute frustration and sorrow that it was keeping her from fulfilling her deepest desire to teach.

One step at a time, think about what spaces and customs have been stolen from you. Don’t let ANYONE force you to confront these until you’re ready. At the same time, examine the price you are paying for the actions of your abusers. There may come a time when you determine that avoiding that space or not participating in that practice has become too cumbersome. When you feel that loss and become frustrated by how it hinders you, then you know it’s time to walk to it and through it.

Once you determine that you’re ready to reclaim it, then make a plan. This isn’t meant to be spontaneous. It’s deliberate and intentional.
Take some time to enlist the support and prayer of others.
Consider inviting one or two people to accompany you to that space or participate with you in that practice.
Select Scriptures, poetry, story, and song that comfort and inspire you.
Consider taking icons with you that you can hold to remind you of your resolve – such as a cross or a photo, a stuffed toy or a butterfly wing . . . something tangible that is meaningful to you and that represents redemption and reclamation.
Consider burning incense or lighting a candle if that’s permissible and safe, and visualize your spirit and your prayers going up to God and returning to you as strength and comfort.
Be sure to speak to these spaces. Remember it was not the space that harmed you, it was the abuser. It wasn’t the custom or practice that harmed you, it was the abuser. This is the truth you can arm yourself with as you reclaim what is yours.
Finally, rejoice! To reclaim what has been hijacked is an enormous accomplishment in your journey beyond abuse! Celebrate! Share the good news with people you care about. This accomplishes two things: It solidifies the courage and strength you have and it builds up the courage and strength of others. Thank God for this great triumph and pat yourself on the back for this substantial achievement.

Whether it’s walking into a basement or a barn, lighting a candle or joining the choir, the spaces and practices that you connect to your abuse were hijacked by your abusers. Abuse recovery – in your time and in your way – can include reclaiming these as yours to do with as you deem appropriate for your well-being. And may I add that when you do, somewhere, somehow . . . abuse survivors all over the world grow a little bit stronger by your courage and tenacity.

It’s just a basement.