Relationships With Your Abusers?

by Sallie Culbreth, M.S. – Founder

There’s nothing quite as dangerous in abuse recovery as being pressured by well-intentioned people to re-enter a relationship with your abusers or with others who were complacent when your abuse occurred. This becomes REALLY confusing and toxic when the lines are blurred between your responsibilities as a person of faith and your responsibilities to reclaim your life. I could write many things about clueless people who put such pressure on you, but that’s not my focus here. What I want you to focus on is how to maintain boundaries with toxic and often dangerous people that are healthy for you and contribute to your journey beyond abuse.

“BOUNDARIES” is the pivotal concept here. Jesus was very clear about boundaries in Matthew 7:6, when he said, “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.”

Basically, Jesus taught that when you give toxic people something precious – such as your heart, your thoughts, your talents, etc. – two things will happen. (1) What you willingly hand over to them will be destroyed, and (2) they will continue to tear you apart. Yep . . . he was talking BOUNDARIES.  There is another incidence in John 2:24 where it reads, “Jesus would not entrust himself to them.” Again, he was modeling BOUNDARIES.

In many ways, you may need to re-program how you think about relationships you have with toxic people, because being a person of faith is not synonymous with being a doormat. Being a person of forgiveness is not the same as being a person of delusion. Being a healthy person is not a self-centered way to live.

When you consider how you function with your abusers, the first thing to understand is that this is YOUR decision and no one else’s. It’s okay to listen to differing viewpoints, but in the end, no one can decide this for you. You’re the only one who must weigh out all aspects of these kinds of relationships, because you are most likely the one who will pay the highest price for your decision.

I’d like to suggest a few boundaries that I believe you have the right to assert and enforce. Take some time to think these through and determine what is best for your journey beyond abuse:

1. You have the right to determine if and when your body is touched (1 Corinthians 6:19, New Testament Bible).
2. You have the right to remove yourself from a person or situation when you feel degraded, devalued, or in danger (Matthew 7:6, New Testament Bible).
3. You have the right and responsibility to protect children and vulnerable people from being abused (Matthew 18:6; Mark 9:42; Luke 17:2, New Testament Bible).
4. You have the right to withhold sharing your intimate thoughts, feelings, and beliefs if they will not be honored and respected (Matthew 7:6).
5. You are no longer that child-victim. You are an adult (1 Corinthians 13:11, New Testament Bible).
6. You have the right to live like an adult instead of a dependent, weak, helpless child (1 Corinthians 14:20, New Testament Bible).
7. You have the right to use your voice – to express your ideas and needs – in a way that will honor God in an empowered and safe manner (1 Timothy 2:1, New Testament Bible).
8. You have the right to say “NO!” and “STOP!” (Proverbs 2:11, Hebrew Bible).
9. You have the right to live your life in such a way as to reflect the beauty and dignity of God (1 Peter 2:12, New Testament Bible).
10. You have the responsibility to give things that are sacred and precious ONLY to those who understand, cherish, and respect their value and respect you (Matthew 7:6, New Testament Bible).

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