Donna
Betrayal. It was the theme of my childhood. Thirteen years of betrayal. A lifetime of scars. Sexually abused from ages five to eighteen by my stepfather, I was systematically betrayed, unloved, and discarded. When I was nine, charges were brought against my stepfather and I was placed in a foster home. I had to testify against him in court, but he was found innocent. The judge ordered me back home to my mom and stepfather. I felt betrayed by the legal system. By the time I was twelve, my mom regularly sent me in to pleasure my stepfather. If I kept my stepfather happy, my mom was nice to me. As horrible as that was, it was a "Catch-22," because she used me to keep peace in the family, but also viewed me (at the age of twelve) as "the other woman."
I felt betrayed by my mother. My siblings thought I was the favored child. They often pressured me to ask my stepfather for privileges on their behalf. The cost? Sex with him. My siblings despised me, yet they used me to get what they wanted from him. I felt betrayed by my siblings. When I was thirteen, I told the pastor of my church about the abuse. His only question to me was, "How do you know your stepfather is having sex with you?" He did nothing except bring the situation before the elders. The discipline my stepfather received? He was told he could no longer be a Sunday School teacher. I was sent back to a few more years of Hell. I felt betrayed by my minister and my church. At age fifteen, I told a teacher at the Christian school my parents sent me to. He told me I needed to pray. I prayed and prayed and prayed. While my friends were out, having free time, just being kids, he had me in a small room praying. When no results occurred, when the abuse continued, he told me that I did not have enough faith. I felt betrayed by my teacher. Through all of this, I had an eating disorder, tried many forms of spirituality, was sexually chaotic, and had a nervous breakdown. You name it, I did it to myself. I betrayed myself. Where was God? Didn't he love me? Why did I deserve this? Was God mad at me? I felt betrayed by God. This horrible alienation and strong sense of betrayal messed with me in profound ways. Years after the abuse ended, the damage haunted every facet of my life. I found myself wounded and crippled, wondering why I was targeted as the one to be unworthy, unloved, disposable, and abandoned. Then, God brought Committed to Freedom into my life. I learned to exchange the lies taught to me by my stepfather, my mother, my siblings, my pastor, and my teacher, for the truth that I am loved, included, empowered, and cherished. The Spiritual tools I gained because of Committed to Freedom have provided me with on-going healing and growth. I can tell you this: I am not where I once was. I am continually traveling on this road to freedom, and I do not travel alone. I hold the hand of a fellow abuse survivor, Christ, who gently leads me to truth, hope, and a future. Committed to Freedom was the door I walked through in order to know this. With these tools, I am sifting through the debris of a shattered childhood and discovering the wonder of who I am and who God is.
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© Committed to Freedom 2006

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