Sabrina
"If your abuse never happened, would you be who you are today?" That was a question my therapist asked. It's hard to respond to a question like that when you're convinced that you are an alien life form that has no right to exist. "I would be better." "How?" "I would be normal." "Normal" - There's a concept that's difficult for me to embrace. Especially because the "normal" I experienced as a young girl growing up was so incredibly abnormal. Here's what was normal for me: sexual abuse by a deacon of my church, a teenage boy, and a neighbor, and alcoholic parents who verbally and physically abused me. The sexual abuse I experienced happens to a lot of kids, but it instilled in me the lie that I was a bad person and not "good enough" for any other use. This horrid guilt and shame compelled me to ask God to forgive me over and over throughout my childhood.
I was convinced that it was something I had done. No matter how much I prayed, no matter how many times I "went forward" to our church's altar to repent, I could not seem to shake it. What almost destroyed me was how I carried this condemnation in silence and minimized my own feelings about what happened to me. I was carefully taught that my feelings were not important. Only my parents' feelings were. Unless my feelings agreed with theirs, I was told to shut up or go to my room. Boundaries, love, and affection were unstable, which made my life extremely confusing. Ironically, my mom made sure I was ready every Sunday morning to ride the bus to church. I was a "church bus kid." Even when I became a teenager, I continued to go to church because I found safety there. Home was so chaotic and the people at church gave me the support and love I was so desperately in need of. Even so, I felt like an outcast. I felt I wasn't good enough and never really believed I belonged. But I kept going - searching and yearning, anything to escape the craziness at home. Of course, I honored my mother's wishes that I never "air our dirty laundry," especially my own. As a young person, it became clear to me that I would never be able to do enough, be good enough, or work hard enough to rid the shame and guilt I felt. I somehow came to believe that I must have wanted to abuse, or it would not keep happening. I knew I was a terrible person and all I wanted was to feel relief, but I never did. For the next fifteen years, with this horrible belief about myself, I stayed away from God and church. Instead, I focused all of my energies on being the best at everything I did. I coached children in community sports, I volunteered, babysat, played sports, and went back to school. I decided to become a counselor. I graduated from college and began work on my master's program. It was at this point, that God's healing began for me. I had been in counseling before beginning my graduate program and truly believed that I was “over it”. It wasn't until my pre-practicum class that I realized just how shut down I was. My professor suggested that I see a therapist to explore why I couldn't talk about my feelings. She told me that I cannot take a client where I am not willing to go myself. I sought a counselor who would be tough and hold me accountable. This time, things were different for me. I had a career at stake. For the first time, I clearly saw how shut down I was, how I was being destroyed by depression, and how shame was keeping me emotionally tied up. I will never forget the day my therapist said, "Don't you think it's time to cut yourself some slack? It is time for a little mercy." It was about that time that I heard about Committed to Freedom. I registered for the retreat, but was very apprehensive about going. I was terrified of being that kid again who was never good enough for God. The last thing I wanted to hear was stuff like, "Give it to God" or "He is here for you." Was I angry with God? Yes. I recalled asking God's forgiveness for being abused. After all, that little girl knew right from wrong! Why did it keep happening? My therapist asked me “Where would you tell that little girl to go for help?” And then, it hit me. I didn't have anywhere to go when I was a child. The sadness overwhelmed me. I had no one that I could go to for help. That kind of sorrow can wash you away. As the retreat approached, I was extremely anxious and not sure I could go through with it. I decided that I had two goals for that weekend. First, I wanted a sign from God. I needed to see him differently than the God I saw as a teenager. Second, I did not want to drive away after it ended disappointed and feeling as if I had wasted a full weekend. I arrived a nervous wreck with no words. As the retreat began, it became very clear that the leadership team was genuine. They understood, and most importantly, they did not promise a quick fix nor did they use religion. All that was promised were spiritual tools to help us on our journey that could help us move beyond abuse. It was so simple, yet so powerful! I had the opportunity to share my uncertainties, fears, and goals I set for my retreat experience. I was encouraged to give God permission to speak to me and he did. That weekend there was a spectacular full moon and bright stars in the sky. I was told, "The God who put those stars and moon in the sky wants to embrace you, so find him where you can." The second night of the retreat, I went outside. I walked and walked and as I did, I began to cry. I looked around because I felt so silly. There was a pond, a chapel with a cross, and that big, full moon shining brightly. The only words I could say were, "Oh God." Everything that I had been holding on to was spilling out. I felt silly and embarrassed, but those feelings went away because it just felt so good. I felt God's arms wrap around me under that beautiful, full moon. My goals for the retreat were reached far beyond my expectations. God revealed himself to me and I discovered him to be much more that I ever remembered. He embraced me that weekend and I am thankful. I began to release the shame and guilt. I left determined to find a church were I could experience community, and I have. I left hungry to taste the sweet words of Scripture, and I have. My shame and guilt no longer consume me. I am learning to like who I am. I am continuing my growth and graduated in May 2006 with my Master's in counseling. My goal is to help women and children deal with abuse issues. I look at my past now and know those experiences have shaped who I am. I learned that God understand my abuse because he also experienced abuse. I am not a better person because of my abuse, but because of it, I have learned to overcome and persevere. Jesus said, "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33. I am so thankful for Committed to Freedom Ministries. Through all the years of therapy, even though I was angry with God, I yearned for him. At the Committed to Freedom retreat, we made peace.
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© Committed to Freedom 2006

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