Valerie
Committed to Freedom says they provide “tools” to help people move beyond abuse, but for me, I was given “gifts” that changed my life. What needed changing? How I handled my marriage, my children, my job, and life situations altogether. I was like a hyper vigilant soldier, always on patrol, waiting for the events of my childhood to resurface and catch up with me. The truth is that it already had. This was evident in the way I lived. The abuse in my childhood was devastating. It set in motion destructive beliefs and behavior that I carried into adulthood and made it almost impossible for me to have safe, healthy relationships. It corrupted the very essence of who I was and warped my view of myself and others.
My father began to sexually abuse me when I was five years. What my father started, my brothers continued until I was fifteen. My brothers and sisters witnessed what my father did to me because we all shared a room. Looking back, I know this directly caused my brothers to do the same. One brother sexually assaulted me for years and physically abused me. Another brother verbally and psychologically abused me. It wasn’t until much later that I learned each of my brothers and sisters had been assaulted by my father the same way I had been. I see so clearly the tragic effect his actions brought to my whole family. I have a brother and sister who are dead before their time, a missing brother, one who is a gang member, and me, a recovering alcoholic and drug addict with a lot of destructive relationships in my wake. The sexual abuse at home stopped when I was fifteen, but the damage manifested itself in my life for years. I was hurt, betrayed, and angry. I lived with the expectation that everyone around me, especially those closest to me, would use me or take something from me sooner or later. I met and married a single dad when I was twenty-nine and learned very quickly that I needed to take a very serious look at the way I dealt with problems. My marriage rapidly started to unravel and being desperate to save it, I tried everything I could think of to get rid of all the anger, anxiety, and distrust. I went to counseling. I tried new age religion. I tried old age religion. I got hypnotized once a week so that this wounded, angry adult could go back in the past and re-raise this wounded, angry child. You name it, I tried it. Some of what I learned was helpful, some not so helpful. On the surface, it seemed easy enough to grasp. Yes, I was a victim of the sick thinking and actions of others. No, I was not the cause, nor was there ever anything about me that brought about such actions. I came to terms with the fact that my own behavior over the years was not because I was some evil or bad person, yet I continued to struggle with anger, anxiety, distrust, and hyper vigilance. At the heart of it all was the pain that was hardest for me to face. I believed I could never be anything but this victim. It was done. I was irredeemable. That’s what I believed until I attended a Committed to Freedom retreat. It was there that I recognized my core beliefs to be false. It was there that I received tools – gifts – to help me live as a victor instead of a victim. That was years ago, and yet I still refer often to the materials I received at the retreat. My gift of Committed to Freedom brought about personal growth, profound change, and a new perspective. I look back now and recognize how much time I had given away to my abusers and my pain. Committed to Freedom helped me to discover the true treasure of who I am.
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© Committed to Freedom 2006

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